Lost

Have you ever felt lost?  I don't mean lost in the car, I mean lost in your life.  

Lost with with who you are and who you want to be.

I am feeling very lost ever since I stopped working full time. Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a stay at home mommy.  I have wanted to be one since Rick was born.  So it has been a dream for a long time that has finally come true. However, when I was working I felt like I had lots of friends and talked with lots of people during the day.  I texted, emailed or spoke on the phone to the "real" friends in my life. Since not working it seems as if I no longer have friends.  The "fake" friends those from my work environment, my co-workers, patients moms and dads, other offices staff members that we talked to daily are now gone from my everyday life.  My "real" friends seem to be very busy now and I don't get to talk, email, text them like when I was working.  I sit at home day in and day out waiting to either take Amy to school or pick her up.  I have Hannah and we do some things together and I treasure those moments more then anything. However, being a stay at home mom is a thankless job.  Usually, you only get negatives on what you cooked or what you didn't do for that day.  Rather then kudos for what you did do.  At work you get priases for a job well done. People thank you for your help, bosses and/or in my case my bosses wife and sister tell me how they like when I am at work and they appreciate what I do. Also, finances are tighter then I had thought they would be.  This makes for doing too much very difficult.  I am actually thinking about seriously looking for a job I can do from home. We could do more if I wanted to charge everything, however, Kent and I do not like living that way.  We are proud of the fact that we have basically no credit card debt.  So we live on our monthly cashflow.  When its gone, then its gone....

 I have lived in Norco nearly 10 years and feel like I still don't have the same relationships with people that I had in Simi Valley.  You see I grew up in Simi Valley from the time I was 5 and then lived there until I moved to Norco 10 yrs ago.  My school friends, my co- workers that became amazing friends and most importantly my family all live in Simi Valley.  I miss them, I miss the relationships I had with those people. It's and hour and a half drive each direction, so its not like I can just meet them for lunch.  My mom and I were always very close and my sister too.  So when I was lonely or needed someone to talk to I could always go hang out with them.  My mom and I use to get into so much mischief, we had a blast!  Now my parents are retired and travel all the time, matter of fact they were in Louisiana last I spoke to them. They have worked hard at life and raising us kids, so I am very happy they get to travel and enjoy the things they like now.  Having said this it make me sad when I know my family has midweek gatherings for birthdays or just getting the family together, because I/ we never get to partake in this.  My kids are missing so much with my side of the family, that makes me get very sad. Sometimes I cry. I see and hear others that have these amazing relationships with their parents and get to spend time with them often and I am a bit jealous of that, then I live my life vicariously throught them.

People always say we should go to church and you will find friends, get involved.  Well, we have been going to the same church here in Norco for several years now and I don't really know ANYONE.  Granted I do not get involved more then church on Sunday, I have a couple of reasons for this.  I grew up in a nondenominational church, Kent grew up not going to church at all.  This church happens to be an Assembly of God.  We both LOVE the pastor however, being the type of church that it is.  It believes in healing with touch as well as speaking in tongues.  I DO NOT believe in speaking in tongues.  So when this happens I feel very uncomfortable and in my head thinking weird, as well as I am trying to look around to see who is speaking like that, which then takes me away from the service itself.  Another thing is the pastor will ask us to move towards the middle and take your neighbors hand.  Yuck, I don't like holding hands with a complete stranger.  All I can think about is, did they just go to the bathroom?  Did they wash their hands?  Why is their hand sticky and clammy? Did they just pick their nose with those fingers?  Again I am very distracted from the service and why I am there.  I view worship as personal and I personally do not need to hold my neighbors hand for long periods of time.  Amy doesn't enjoy going either most of the time, the kids minestry really isn't that great.  I remember being her age and hated to go to church.  I want her to like church and want to go.  This then makes me and my hubby disagree and even fight about church, thats not what it should be about.  We haven't gone the last 2 weeks because we have been busy and I am happy about that.  Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  So because of these couple of things its hard to want to get more involved because I don't feel like its always the right church.  My hubby loves the pastor and the few weird things he can let it go and not let that bother him. wish I could be more like that. =(

Don't get me wrong people, I LOVE my life, LOVE my family, LOVE my kids, LOVE being a stay at home mommy.  Just wish I could figure out how to not lose sight of myself.